Choosing pain
by ZoexZombie
Summary: Alternate ending to New Moon, placed right before or after Chapter Four. Bella decides against being numb, so pain is all that's left. T for some adult themes, I guess.
1. Bella

**Bella's Point Of View**

Many months of bottomless depression went by, as I yearned to fill the hole aching in my chest. I decided to feel pain instead of being numb. I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. I chose to let myself think of _him._ Edward Cullen. Why did he leave me? Why would he say that he loved me, and then leave? Was it all a lie? I missed him so, so much. Will he ever come back? No. He won't come back. He doesn't love me. _It will be as if I never existed._ The words were permanently inscribed into my mind, they would never leave, they would always nag at me, calling me back to the pit of pain he had brought into my life on that unfortunate day.

I ached for his icy lips to be pressed against mine, his cold skin to rub the back of my hand, for his ear to be pressed against my chest, listening to my heartbeat, like his never will again. We would lie in our secret meadow, and time would seem to stop for us in that moment. I would watch him glitter in the magnificent sunlight, and he would listen to my erratic heartbeat until the sun would set and we could watch the stars.

I wondered if he would care if I were to die. I would simply vanish. He would not know, for he was gone forever. Never. Coming. Back.

Charlie was out fishing with Billy for the day, the house was home to only my memories and I. After a few hours of painful thoughts, I walked through the kitchen to search for something for lunch, only hoping I had the strength to do that. I could feel nothing more than melancholy.

Soon, only months after Edward was... gone... I had thoughts of killing myself. Bizarre, macabre images and dreams flashing through my mind. I would be bleeding to death in the bathtub, blood staining the porcelain, passed out from the sight and smell of blood. Sometimes I would have my head wrapped tightly in plastic wrap, others I would be lying face down on my bed, a bottle of pills in my hand. They changed, depending on how morbidly I could imagine my own demise at the time. With what mortification I regarded myself.

Home alone, Charlie nowhere nearby, I decided to vanish from the face of the planet, to be gone. I felt sorry for Charlie, having to live off his own horrible cooking without me there, but I'll leave a note for Billy and his son, Jacob, to help him around.

My only concern was, how would I do it? How would I commit the unforgivable sin? I might take Charlie's gun and shoot myself in the head, a clear shot, no way I could miss. Yes, that was it. Charlie had his sheriff belt hanging on the set of hooks next to the front door. I started to waltz toward there, not caring if I tripped, I wouldn't be alive much longer anyway. The belt unlatched quickly. This was too easy.

Where would I aim for? The temple, or in my mouth, or straight to the heart, make it stop beating? I opted for the original, to the side of my eye, my temple. I remembered Edward's face. His cold, hard lips pressured against my own. His stone chest, sculpted perfectly. His glittering form in our special meadow...

I heard a loud _bang!_ and everything went black.


	2. Edward

***

Edward's POV

Alice was reciting Abraham Lincoln's The Gettysburg Address in every language known to man. She was only thinking it, of course. Out loud she said nothing, her lips were pursed, and she was concentrating on folding her clothes at a slow, almost human-like speed. She was hiding something, that much was clear. What could it be? Alice and I had always been closer than anyone in the family, other than the couples, of course. We were the freaks, the ones with 'special' powers that set us apart from everyone else. Of course, Jasper could manipulate emotions, but that was easily controllable. Alice and I had no choice, no ascendancy over our own deformities. But now, she would not tell me. I could tell by the look on her face that she would not give it away, whatever it was. She looked almost miserable at the sight of this horrific vision. It must have been precisely abhorrent to have turned Alice's mood into something this despairing.

She put her guard down, for a fraction of a second, when Jasper called her name. It took less than one-hundredth of a second for me to realize what she was hiding. Alice had seen a vision... a vision that meant it was too late for me to save her, to save Bella, my Bella. The vision was of Charlie, Bella's father, reading a letter. The note read:

Dear Dad, I'm very, very sorry. I left you, and that was wrong of me, but I'm still remorseful. I should have stayed, but I couldn't. I was making you miserable, and I was never quite good enough. I love you, Daddy. Don't forget that. Be strong without me. Please ask Billy and Jacob to help you cook more often, once I'm gone. If you ever see Edward again, tell him I'll always love him. Don't hurt him, please, Daddy. Never forget me. Love, Bella.

***

A single tear had fallen from Charlie's eye, as he read the note. The still frame I had been seeing in Alice's head dropped, but it stayed in my memory. If I had been human, I would be crying harder than I had thought possible. But, for now, I cried with ripping, tearless sobs.

I'm sorry, Edward. Please, don't do anything irrational. We all love you so, so much. You don't realize how much it would hurt us for you to go. Don't leave, Edward. Alice thought, but I wasn't exactly listening.

I nodded, knowing that she would be hurt if I left, as much as I was hurt now, although in a different sense. I would stay, but I would go back to Forks for a visit. Not now, I couldn't now. Now, I would go to my room in Tanya's house, avoiding the fake sympathy I knew would come with seeing her. I needed to be alone.

Bella was gone. Bella had killed herself. Over me. I heard nothing but echoes of my own empty heart, never beating, inside my chest. I yearned for it to beat, so that I could stop it myself to be forever with my Bella. No. Not my Bella. I had given up on her long ago. Bella, Charlie's Bella.

Only days later, I told Alice I was going to Forks. She understood, her only response had been to stay strong, which made me almost smile, but still, I could not. I drove to Forks, in a stolen car as it would not be recognized by Charlie. I drove down the familiar web of roads from Forks to Denali. I knew my way well. I was there within one day, not stopping for traffic, not stopping to hunt, although I needed to, and soon. I was almost stopped by a police car, but I sped by unnoticed. The small cemetery in Forks was down another familiar road, as I knew the location of everything in this small, gray town. The sky was unnaturally darker than normal, but it could have been the dark film that had begun to develop over my eyes. Not caring to move at a normal human pace, I flew through the graveyard, reading tombstones as I passed. Bella's was near the back, but it took me only seconds to find. The tombstone was rather plain, a gray statue in a sea of the rest. A simple cross on the top of the oval shape. Isabella Marie Swan, forever remembered. 9/13/1989 - 1/8/07.

A bouquet of red roses lie on the ground in front of the stone. Rose petals were scattered around the entire area. I fell to my knees, then to the ground from there. My muscles went limp. I inhaled the scent of her family and friends as they had said their blessings for their beloved Bella, as I had, silently, the night I left her. Every second that passed felt like hours, maybe longer, as it went to the point where I could not move, couldn't breathe, couldn't think. I stayed in that spot, sitting in front of Bella's statue notifying me of her demise, for what seemed like centuries, though it was only minutes. I promised Alice I would live, though the best I could do was to become a statue myself, a body with no conscious mind. In the faint background, I could hear a car door slam, a light shuffling of shoes, and a low hissing of thoughts. Why? I loved her so much. Where did I put those tulips? They were always her favorite. Hmph. I could tell that a tear slid down the man's face. Charlie was coming towards the tombstone. I had to get away from here, though I knew I would be back soon, to forever mourn over this admired human girl. I stood, focusing entirely on keeping my center of balance steady. I felt clumsier than Bella on her worst day, trying to stand up from that spot, although eventually I managed to stand and hide in the bushes before Charlie arrived at the site of his daughter's lifeless body, buried six feet underground. He was crying, unusual for him, though despite the circumstances I wouldn't have expected anything less. Charlie set the tulips along with the rest of the bouquets, and dropped to his knees, giving a slight grunt as he hit ground. The ground where his daughter was buried.

***

Every day, from then on, I would visit Bella's tombstone, never moving. My entire existence revolved around the figure that represented Bella Swan, the love of my existence. I could only manage to do two things, sit by the strong marble, and hunt. My hunting trips were only when absolutely necessary, I would much rather guard her gravesite, keeping it out of the rain. Every now and then, when the weather was nice, and there was no one in sight, I would step out into the sunlight, on top of Bella's burial site, just to sparkle as she had enjoyed so much. I knew that she was smiling in her coffin. That was how it should be. She will be forever remembered.


End file.
